If you’re here and reading this, I know it probably means you’ve found yourself in a really hard situation while wishing and hoping for your family. If it were possible to send a huge hug through the inter-webs, know we’d be wrapping you up in one right at this moment. The fact you’re here, researching this path to parenthood, shows just how much determination, courage, and love you have for your future child. We celebrate you so much for that!
If you’re considering becoming an intended parent (IP) after dealing with infertility struggles, it’s perfectly okay to feel like your emotions are all over the place. Surrogacy was not your first choice; we get that 100 percent. We hope this blog can help you understand how surrogacy can help you with your next steps and what things you should expect if you decide to pursue a surrogacy journey.
The Emotional Preparation For Your New Parenthood Plan
While a surrogacy journey can come with a sense of excitement and newfound hope, we also know it doesn’t automatically erase the hurt from your experience before.
Like a lot of things in life, surrogacy can come with its own set of highs and lows. Before starting your journey with a surrogate, it’s always a good idea to assess where you are emotionally. Knowing that there will be an array of feelings ahead, you might want to ask yourself, “Is my heart prepared to take on all the emotions of surrogacy?”
If the thought of being on a surrogacy journey brings up an overwhelming sense of sadness for you, and you can’t imagine yourself watching someone else carry your baby, then your heart might need more healing. And that is perfectly okay. For some people, it can take time to feel ready to begin their journey. If you want help processing your feelings, there are so many great mental health professionals who can unpack all these emotions (PS: Our team can offer some recommendations if you need some.)
If you can imagine your surrogacy journey ahead and, even though you haven’t started yet, you already have a sense of appreciation for your future surrogate for being willing to help you create your family, this is a good sign you’re in the right headspace to begin surrogacy. Nothing may ever erase the sadness of not being able to carry your child yourself, but when you think about it, the pregnancy is just a small phase in your child’s life. One they won’t even remember, truthfully.
Pursuing surrogacy means looking ahead and knowing you’ll get to bask in all the glorious moments, like the sweet snuggles. You’ll get to be the one who gets to watch your future child’s personality grow. And years from now, in the future, you’ll be their go-to contact in their phone and the person they call when they can’t figure out how to run a dishwasher. You will be the most important person in their life, not their surrogate.
To be ready for surrogacy, you don’t have to be cheerful and optimistic 24/7—but being emotionally prepared for the journey ahead could make bonding with your surrogate, and therefore your growing baby, easier. It can also allow you to fully appreciate the good moments like: meeting your incredible surrogate, hearing the transfer was successful, seeing your baby on an ultrasound, and later, holding your baby once they’re born!
Your Surrogate’s Excitement Vs. Your Worries (and How to Manage Both)
Even though your journey to parenthood may have been a tough one, it doesn’t mean you should be expected to “just take it all.” You’re human. It’s okay to admit when things are hard. That’s why it’s essential to know you can communicate with your surrogacy agency about what you’ve been through and what parts of surrogacy you anticipate (or know) will be hard for you. If you have experienced a lot of heartache on your path to parenthood and you have hesitation before your surrogate’s transfer, there are agencies, like ours, that understand those complex emotions.
Our agency works harder to help you, like communicating with your surrogate in the beginning on your behalf if you prefer. Being open and honest with your agency is key so they can support and advocate for you during your surrogacy experience.
Additionally, it’s important to remind yourself that your surrogate has had a whole different experience than you. She most likely has never had to deal with infertility herself, so everything associated with pregnancy is exciting for her. She may be overly enthusiastic at a transfer, where you might be feeling a little more cautious and reserved. She may want to start taking home pregnancy tests the moment she gets home from the transfer (we don’t recommend that, by the way), and because of your past experiences, you might prefer just to wait for a blood test. It’s okay that each side may come to these big milestones with different big emotions—you just want to make sure to keep the lines of communication open and to express yourself, that way, each side can understand where everyone is coming from. Your agency can absolutely help you with this if it feels uncomfortable to address it with your surrogate yourself.
Ways to Bond With Your Baby Through Your Surrogacy Journey?
When you’re considering surrogacy, you might fear that you will feel too far removed from your baby, but know that most surrogates are really eager to help bridge that gap so you can feel connected to your sweet babe. This is your surrogacy experience, so we always tell intended parents they still get to be involved as much as they want. (You know, as long as there are respectful boundaries.) Make sure to discuss how much you’d like to be involved during a match call, that way you can find that surrogate who will be on the exact same page as you.
Some ways intended parents like to bond with their baby through their surrogate are:
- Weekly text check-ins: Some IPs and surrogates will set a day every week where they make sure to send updates (totally, can talk outside of those days, but it’s more so a reminder to share what’s going on regularly). During these texts, IPs might ask what a surrogate has been craving lately, what her bump looks like, or if she’s having any symptoms. (Story from a surrogate: throughout my journey, all my pregnancy cravings were my IP's favorite foods, and not things I usually eat. The IPs loved hearing those! Sometimes they would plan meals around my cravings, so they could be a part of it.)
- Voice recordings: Having your surrogate listen to a storybook you’ve recorded for your child, or little voice memos, can help your baby recognize your voice.
- Touch Bracelets: Once your surrogate is further along in her pregnancy, as IPs, you could ask her to wear a Bond Bracelet and tap it whenever the baby kicks/moves. As IPs, you’ll have the other bracelet and will feel vibrations throughout your day, reminding you of your growing, wiggly baby.
- Baby Playlists: Create a special music playlist with all your favorite songs on it and ask if your surrogate wouldn’t mind listening to it so your baby could hear it too. You could even play it later during the birth, if your surrogate doesn’t mind. (Story from a surrogate: My IPs created a playlist, and sometimes we would even be listening to it at the exact same time! They said after the baby was born and was fussy, they’d play some of those songs and he would totally mellow out!)
Finding the Infertility+Surrogacy Community That’ll Uplift You
Finding a community that has been through similar experiences as you can make such a huge difference as you embark on your own surrogacy journey. Being able to connect with parents who have gone through the same heartaches as you and are currently on their own surrogacy journeys after infertility struggles allows you a chance to ask questions and for you to cheer each other on. Below are a couple of support groups and Instagram accounts we personally love:
General Infertility Instagram Accounts:
Accounts of Families Who Turned to Surrogacy After Infertility:
Your surrogacy agency will be a huge part of your support system as well. You’ll want to work with one that is sympathetic to your experience and will handle your heart and your journey with compassion. Be careful of agencies that say all the right things, but at the end of the day, they’re main motivator in helping you is the financial gain. You and your dream of a family deserve more than that. Especially after everything you’ve already been through.
How the Surrogacy Is Agency Could Help You
At Surrogacy Is, we can ensure you your journey will be handled with the utmost consideration and respect. Our team is full of compassionate individuals who take everyone’s unique stories to heart and tailor support around them. Our agency also created The Ultimate Surrogacy Guide©, which has over 130 lessons for our surrogates, including lessons on why intended parents turn to surrogacy and how surrogates can be respectful of the infertility struggles they may have experienced beforehand. We did this because we believe the more intended parents and surrogates understand one another, the more beautiful their journey can potentially be. (P.S. We’re also currently working on an intended parent guide, too, that will be completely free for any intended parent looking into surrogacy. It will feature fertility & family-building professionals, including top clinics, REs, family therapists, surrogacy counselors, lactation consultants, and more!)
We are also proud to offer agency perks like:
- Our 90-day match guarantee— because we believe no intended parent should sit on a waitlist before starting their surrogacy journey.
- We also don’t require any money up-front to work with us. That means you can eliminate your financial risk. Our agency fee is broken into two parts, the first being after a successful match has been made, and the second after your surrogate has passed her medical clearance at your IVF clinic and is preparing for transfer!
- Our agency also covers mental health sessions for intended parents throughout the entirety of their surrogacy journey.
If you’re interested in how our surrogacy agency could support you on your new path to parenthood, we would be honored to connect with you. To get in touch with our IP Relations Manager to learn more, fill out an interest form here, and she will be in touch to schedule a time to chat!
The Next Chapter of Your Journey
No matter where your journey takes you next, know that we are 100 percent rooting for you and wishing you the absolute best. We know this is just the start of a new chapter for you, but if you have decided infertility is not where you want your story to end, we are proud of you. We truly hope your dream of a family comes true in the very near future.
