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Why don’t these parents just adopt a baby?

Something I heard a lot from people when I told them I wanted to be a surrogate was “why don’t they just adopt if they want kids so bad, there are so many kids who need homes…”

Without critical thought, that comment sounds completely logical, but on deeper reflection it’s probably one of the most judgmental, arrogant and self-righteous comments a person could make in criticizing how another person chooses to build their family.

I’ve never once heard that comment from anyone who had actually been through the process of fostering or adopting a child (like I myself have been) and it almost always comes from people who have two or more of their own biological children, never considering adoption for themselves, and never said to themselves “I shouldn’t be having children with my husband or wife who I adore when there are so many children in foster care who need homes.”

Adoption and fostering are tremendously noble ways to build a family. For those of us who are up for the challenge of battling it out with the system, taking in a child with trauma and pre-existing family issues, it’s true, there are so many beautiful wonderful children in the foster care system who need homes.

But for anyone to say what other people should do to build their families, especially when they aren’t doing that themselves is appallingly arrogant and misguided.

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"However motherhood comes to you, it's a miracle."

-Valerie Harper